The Fog

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place that we never expected to be. Walking down a path we never saw ourselves traveling down. Until we were there, right in the middle of it.

That's exactly where I found myself about two years ago.

I never really understood what postpartum depression was until after I had Micah. And then after Asher, it was much worse. And probably one of the harder times I've walked through in my adult life. Not only did I have a toddler to take care of, a house to keep in order, a newborn (after having an emergency c-section), a husband to support and encourage, and many more hats to wear......but I had to do that while feeling like I was in a thick, thick fog. One that I didn't think would ever end.

We had prayed for years for children. And now had two amazing boys that we loved. So why was I in the midst of something I couldn't shake? Something that seemed to have such a hold on my emotions, thoughts, and the way I went about each day?

Most people had no clue I was struggling. I'm not the type that withdraws. Instead I throw myself further into stuff just so that I don't have to think about the fog. I hated just sitting at home because then I would have to feel. And I didn't want to feel.

I told very few people what was going on because I was scared of being judged or ridiculed. I had someone tell me that since I was a pastor's wife I shouldn't struggle with depression. So, I took those words to heart and felt like I couldn't let anyone know what was happening because something must be wrong with me. Apparently, pastor's wives aren't supposed to struggle. Ever.

The problem with that.....is that it's NOT true. No one is exempt from hardship, trials, depression, illnesses, or sin. We will all experience hard times at some point. Being a Christian does not mean we are on the road to easy living. Life can be hard.

Which means clinging to Christ is key. And I found myself crying out to Him constantly asking Him to remove the fog all while clinging to people too just hoping that something or someone would pull me out of the pit. The problem with looking to people for that......is that they will disappoint. And God desires for us to look to Him. And rely on Him. And trust in Him. And He was the only one that could pull me out.

As I found myself trying to rely on Him but also putting too much reliance on others, He started slowly showing me that He wanted my full attention. You see, putting too much reliance on others on top of struggling with depression, was a recipe for disaster. One that I didn't want to continue to experience. So God took me through a time of walking away from things that were hindrances and fully allowing Him to be ALL and EVERYTHING. While it was not a fun path to travel (being pruned and molded to look more like Him normally isn't all frills and thrills), I'm so thankful that He slowly began to lift the fog that seemed to be so smothering at first! I'm most thankful for the lessons learned and growth during that time and thankful that He loves us so much that He desires to grow us in this walk with Him. Let's be real, we are all works in progress. None of us have arrived! But oh how thankful I am that He's still working on me! That He doesn't see me as a lost cause. But He loves unconditionally and desires to draw me closer to Him!

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

A Lesson in the Waiting

Today, seven years ago, we moved in to this house.

We had the pleasure of building this house after moving back to Valdosta. We love this house for so many reasons. We got to pick the hardwood, cabinets, tile, paint color, and more. But more importantly than that, we love the memories made here.  It's been the place of many bible studies, meetings for ministry when Michael was the youth pastor, life group gatherings, sweet conversations with friends, game nights, fellowship with others, meals with family and friends at our dining room table. It's where we brought both Micah and Asher home after leaving the hospital with them. It's where we have rocked them to sleep, prayed for them and with them, read them countless books and bible stories, snuggled together on the couch to watched movies, played in the yard together, and so much more. We have loved making memories in this house and we know it's time to continue making memories somewhere else. (More on the WHY of selling our house later)

But, selling a house means a lot of waiting. It means not being in control. And it means stress. Or at least it has for me. Each day I was struggling to see past the waiting. Waiting on a call from the realtor about showing our house. Waiting on a call about the house we hope to put an offer on and praying it doesn't sell to someone else. This may seem like not a big deal to others since it's not the journey they are or have walked down before. But most of us can say that there's been a time that they have been "waiting" for something. Waiting for news. Waiting for that job offer. Waiting for children. Waiting for an answer to a specific prayer. Most of us have gone through a period of waiting. And it's not always easy to see why God wants us to wait.

In that waiting, I realized I needed to change my prayer. I was praying specifically for our house to sell quickly, all while saying I trusted God and His timing and His plan. But I wasn't living each day like I trusted. I was living anxiously, impatiently, and becoming consumed with getting that phone call with good news about someone wanting to put an offer on our house.

So my prayer changed, and so did my perspective and it has allowed me to really live like I am trusting God. My prayer changed from "God, please let our house sell quickly, to God help me to truly trust your plan for us in selling our house. Help me trust that your plans are best and that we will be exactly where you want us. Help me to trust you in the waiting and not be anxious."

And I can't tell you how peaceful it has been since changing how and what I prayed.

Sometimes it's easy to say we trust God. But are we living like we do? In each situation or circumstance we find ourselves in? I want to not only SAY I trust God, but to LIVE each day like I trust Him. So that means sitting back and waiting on His timing. Waiting without being anxious about the future. Waiting on Him and His plan to be revealed. And in that waiting, not losing sight of what's right in front of me. Not living for the future and what might happen, but living for each day and what He has placed before us that day.

Holding On or Letting Go

A few times over the years, I knew God was telling me to let go of something. One of those times (several years ago) was when I knew He wanted me to let go of the desire to have children and just trust Him. He wasn't saying to give up, but I knew it was consuming too much of my thought life. Eventually, I let go and just trusted. I knew we would have children one day, but I knew I needed to enjoy the life and journey God had blessed us with at the time. When I was consumed with wanting to have children, I was missing out on so much that was right in front of me. Letting go was freeing. I was free to feel God's peace and just trust Him, knowing that He would always fulfill His promises. He's shown me that time and time again.

So, why do I sometimes find myself again in a situation where He's telling me to let go, and I'm holding on for dear life?

Again, this past year, I knew God was telling me that I needed to let go of something. It was something, much like the desire to have children, that in and of itself, wasn't a bad thing. But, it wasn't what God wanted for me at the time. Again, I held on. I held on because I was scared of what I would lose if I let go. I held on, I argued with God, I tried to justify why I wasn't obeying…..and ultimately I didn't trust His plan. And because of that, I certainly have experienced the consequences and I'm sure I've missed out because of my disobedience. 

Months ago while singing in church, one of the lyrics of a song stuck out. Over and over we sang, "There's nothing I hold on to." But here I am holding on to something I know God has told me to let go of.  It's easy to sing the words to songs, and not really mean them. Pastor David mentioned this in a sermon a while back.  He talked about singing "I surrender all" when we really mean "I surrender some or sometimes." Thinking of both of those lyrics (There's nothing I hold on to AND I surrender all) it's time to truly let go of what I've been holding on to and surrender that to Him. Knowing and trusting that it's what He's asked of me. For reasons I may not understand. But it's time.

Are you holding on to something that God has asked you to let go of? Just give it to Him. Trust Him. His plans and path for us are always better. And I just want to be right in the middle of God's will for my life, no where else!


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:4-5



Update: 
This was actually written several months ago and was never published because I felt like something was missing or that it wasn't finished yet. Now, I know why. Since it was written, I've let go of what it was God was desiring for me to let go of. It wasn't easy and actually I can't take the credit for being totally obedient because I wasn't at first and He slowly showed me that I was going to lose what I was holding on to anyway (vague, I know, but more coming on that topic later!). But I'm so incredibly thankful that I finally listened and certainly wish I had listened sooner. He most definitely was and is always right. And He had something much better in store for my life and it's been an awesome journey watching that unfold. I'm so thankful that God cares enough about every aspect of our life and desires for us to allow Him to work in and through us so that we can continue to press on while bringing glory to Him! More on that coming in a future blog post that's in the works! 

Asher's TWO!

We just celebrated Asher's 2nd birthday two weekends ago with an Elmo themed party. He's never seen Sesame Street to my knowledge, but he LOVES Elmo! If he sees Elmo any where, he will yell "Melmo" (that's what he calls Elmo) loudly! We enjoyed celebrating our sweet Asher with friends at the park in our neighborhood. We are so thankful for Asher and the joy he brings to our family!

His actual birthday was May 12 and we were at the beach on his birthday so he got to blow out candles in his birthday donuts, enjoy playing at the beach, and a trip to the Tallahassee Museum.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Asher! We love you!

Four, Already?

FOUR! How has it already been four years since we first held our sweet Micahman?

April 9th was Micah's 4th birthday. Four years.....and thankful for every day that we have been able to love on, teach, play trains and cars with, and watch grow physically and spiritually!

Many of you know our struggles with infertility and miscarriage so I won't retell it now. But celebrating another year with our Micah has certainly made me think back to so many precious memories over the past four years. What a blessing he has been to our family! We are excited to see what God has in store for Micah's future! We are constantly praying for and over him!

If you don't know our story, you can read it here: http://thebuffaloefamily.blogspot.com/2011/07/micahs-story-our-god-is-faithful.html

We love you so much, Micah! Happy Birthday!