Expectations

Micah's at the age where he gets frustrated easily when things don't go the way he expected. I see this in him daily, especially when he's playing. The other day he was playing with his trucks and trains and lining them up on our ottoman. One of the trucks kept rolling off and falling to the floor. Instead of just picking the truck up and putting it back on the ottoman, he would break down in frustration because he expected the truck to do just as he wanted. This is only one example of times Micah has gotten frustrated when something didn't go as expected. But, it made me think about times I've expected something to go one way, and my reaction when things didn't happen as planned.

Lately, there have been several times I expected something to go one way, and was highly disappointed when my expectations weren't met.

The main one that sticks out right now is Asher's birth. (There are many more though.)

I expected a regular delivery. I didn't have one. Never had it crossed my mind that I might have to have a c-section. Leading up to my going into labor, there was never a reason to think that might happen. But, it did. When I was told after 12 hours of labor that I was being taken for a c-section I was definitely disappointed. At the time though, I didn't have time to dwell on it. I didn't have time to react. I just wanted Asher here safely. Afterwards, I was disappointed, but it was over and Asher was fine! It was out of my hands and there was nothing I could do about it, except to move on. Not dwell on it or allow myself to react negatively about it.

I expected, during labor, to have an epidural that worked. It did, for a short time. But only a short time, and then I was miserable for hours. Especially the last two hours, when I was given pitocin, and the contractions were every 2 minutes and lasting about 30 seconds each. It would have been nice to have a working epidural. But I survived it! And I know many women have survived worse labors than mine. But, I expected one thing, and got another. Again, it was out of my hands. I could dwell on it or move on. It was over, I survived, so I moved on.

I expected to get pictures, and lots of them. I wanted a picture holding Asher right after he was born. I didn't get that because he was taken away since I had to be taken to the recovery room. I wanted a picture of us with our midwife/doctor. That didn't happen. I wanted a picture of our midwife/doctor holding Asher. That didn't happen. I wanted a picture of Michael and I together with Asher right after birth. That didn't happen. I wanted a picture of Micah meeting Asher for the first time when Micah was brought up to the hospital to see us. That didn't happen because Micah had strep and couldn't visit us. I was definitely disappointed because these are all things that can't be done later. Asher will only be born once and we will only have that short time to get those pictures and once the moment is passed, it's gone. So, yes, I was very disappointed.

To say I moved on would be a lie. For some reason, I was really bothered by not getting these pictures. I could never go back and redo his birth and would never have pictures of those memories now that it was past. So, I dwelt on it and allowed it to affect me negatively.

God was definitely working on me in this area of expectations though. I know He has been teaching me, through many situations and not just this one, that HE is in control, not me. HE has a plan for my life, better than any plan I could come up with, and that I needed to get on board and allow HIS plan to play out instead of worrying about my own plan. Expecting one thing, and getting another, time and time again leads to disappointment. But when we look at life through HIS eyes and truly grasp that HIS ways are better, we will be much better off.

For me, it comes back to control. My husband can tell you (and anyone that knows me well) that I am a little bit of a control freak (ok, maybe a LOT of a control freak). I'd like to say that I'm a recovering control freak, but I know I still struggle daily. I want to be in control of how my day is going to go, but with two little ones, my day never goes as planned! How do I respond to my expectations not being met? Sometimes I roll with it, sometimes I show my frustration. I wonder where Micah gets that? Convicted. Thankfully, God's still working on me in this area and doesn't just give up on us!



For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a futre and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6