The Fog

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place that we never expected to be. Walking down a path we never saw ourselves traveling down. Until we were there, right in the middle of it.

That's exactly where I found myself about two years ago.

I never really understood what postpartum depression was until after I had Micah. And then after Asher, it was much worse. And probably one of the harder times I've walked through in my adult life. Not only did I have a toddler to take care of, a house to keep in order, a newborn (after having an emergency c-section), a husband to support and encourage, and many more hats to wear......but I had to do that while feeling like I was in a thick, thick fog. One that I didn't think would ever end.

We had prayed for years for children. And now had two amazing boys that we loved. So why was I in the midst of something I couldn't shake? Something that seemed to have such a hold on my emotions, thoughts, and the way I went about each day?

Most people had no clue I was struggling. I'm not the type that withdraws. Instead I throw myself further into stuff just so that I don't have to think about the fog. I hated just sitting at home because then I would have to feel. And I didn't want to feel.

I told very few people what was going on because I was scared of being judged or ridiculed. I had someone tell me that since I was a pastor's wife I shouldn't struggle with depression. So, I took those words to heart and felt like I couldn't let anyone know what was happening because something must be wrong with me. Apparently, pastor's wives aren't supposed to struggle. Ever.

The problem with that.....is that it's NOT true. No one is exempt from hardship, trials, depression, illnesses, or sin. We will all experience hard times at some point. Being a Christian does not mean we are on the road to easy living. Life can be hard.

Which means clinging to Christ is key. And I found myself crying out to Him constantly asking Him to remove the fog all while clinging to people too just hoping that something or someone would pull me out of the pit. The problem with looking to people for that......is that they will disappoint. And God desires for us to look to Him. And rely on Him. And trust in Him. And He was the only one that could pull me out.

As I found myself trying to rely on Him but also putting too much reliance on others, He started slowly showing me that He wanted my full attention. You see, putting too much reliance on others on top of struggling with depression, was a recipe for disaster. One that I didn't want to continue to experience. So God took me through a time of walking away from things that were hindrances and fully allowing Him to be ALL and EVERYTHING. While it was not a fun path to travel (being pruned and molded to look more like Him normally isn't all frills and thrills), I'm so thankful that He slowly began to lift the fog that seemed to be so smothering at first! I'm most thankful for the lessons learned and growth during that time and thankful that He loves us so much that He desires to grow us in this walk with Him. Let's be real, we are all works in progress. None of us have arrived! But oh how thankful I am that He's still working on me! That He doesn't see me as a lost cause. But He loves unconditionally and desires to draw me closer to Him!

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6